So, since I moved to Connecticut, I am now one of the many people that drive about 40 miles to work, each way. Now, with this whole commute thing, 2 things have become apparently clear to me.
ONE: All traffic reporters are LIARS. When my alarm clock goes off in the morning, I hear some low paid morning jock who thinks he is soooooo funny, making banter with the traffic lady. First off, in this day and age of road rage, you should let the traffic lady do her damn report. Then make stupid banter. This one minute is CRITICAL because in that one minute a person driving to work can stay on the highway and come face to face with the bumper to bumper traffic that is 5 miles ahead at a dead stop, or get off at the exit that is 50 yards away and not have to deal with the bumper to bumper traffic. It's the same theory as setting your clock 5 minutes ahead...It just takes that 5 minutes to actually be on time to things, not miss a train, a bus... You get my point. OK, so traffic lady is all "Hey, this is Julie with metro traffic and (enter number/name of highway you need to be on) is looking free and clear all the way down to (enter destination city/town). A minor fender bender on the right hand shoulder of (enter name/number ofhighway you never go on ever to get to work) which is causing some rubbernecking. All trains and buses are on and close to schedule." Awesome you think, no traffic! Excellent! Those people on that other highway are screwed! HA! So you get ready, head out the door and listen to the traffic one more time while your car warms up. And here is cheery Julie again, saying the traffic is A OK.
You know the rest of this story...The traffic is not A OK. Julie is a LIAR. BIG, FAT, LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! And just like in the movie Office Space, I am always in the lane that is moving the slowest. And the part that burns me the most is... if I am made to sit in traffic for an hour, there better be a damn accident. Not one day that I have driven and sat in traffic have I seen an accident. I know, you are saying, "well maybe the accident got cleared." No, it did not. No cops or ambulances whizzed by to the scene. No tow trucks on the side of the road. No sand on the road to soak up the gas...SO, all traffic reporters... LIARS
TWO: Weather reporters are liars. Last Tuesday is a prime example. The weather report on the Today Show, maybe some snow showers starting at 5pm, but nothing major. I mean, I got this info from Al Roker and a jolly man with a head to big for his body would NEVER lie. Usually when there is bad weather, I take the train. That day, I drove, it didnt seem like things would be too bad. So it' s now 11am, I am in my office, pretending to work, and it starts to snow, and snow, and snow... as time goes on, the flakes are getting bigger, the snow is sticking and piling up quickly. KICK ASS. I begin to think back to the Today Show, and begin to get really mad, at Al Roker. I mean, could he have been any further off on the weather? Where the hell did this idiot go to school? (That comment does not apply to sports anchors that might have gone to the same school as Al.) SO now what happens... I leave work to go home and...
We are back to square one. TRAFFIC. Which brings me to my thinking of when I am actually in traffic. It took me 2 hours and 45 minutes to get back home. 40 miles. CRAZY. I then begin to think like this: If I was in the car for another hout and 15 minutes, I could be in Oswego at The Shed. This is how I measure time spent in traffic. It's probably a sign of the fact that I am slowly losing my mind, or that my mind has been completely damaged by the many years of drinking upstate, but it makes sense to me.
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